The Decision

This is M Dog, the light of my life. He has the worst mood swings in our house and knows how to give attitude. If he were a girl, he would surely demand to be called, "Princess". I think he has taken on some of mommy's qualities, including his adorableness. :) Aiight, back to the story...

Ok I think I simplified my decision too much. It wasn’t just about money vs. stress. I knew that I couldn’t make a decision based solely off money because it had already led me to a very dark, depressing hole, i.e. my first defense job. Also, I knew I could deal with stress. In fact, I do my best work under extreme pressure. I recognize that I need the constant threat of imminent, disastrous consequences to push me. But, did I want to deal with that pressure day in, day out? The company was very prestigious and known for its cutting edge technology and the benefits were amazing. Could I really turn it down? This company had given me the most rigorous screening (2 phone interviews, a 5 hour in-person interview and an actual test) and I had come out on top. That was something to be proud of in itself and showed me that I had what it takes to make it at this particular company, but did I want to?

On the other hand, the second company barely had a screening process and I knew I had the job pretty much from the interviewer’s first line, “I know you’re too smart for us, but let me tell you why this company is an awesome place to work.” Everyone was in shorts and flip flops, there were no miserable, depressing excuses for work stations (read: cubicles) and I was even told I would get my own office. Helllllllllllz yeah! I would report to the CEO and I would have a huge impact on change if I took the job.

I struggled with the decision. The first company was offering slightly more money, but they were also stringing me along during the interview process. It took them forever to give me an answer, and to be honest, it soured me on the company. But did I want a job that was almost ridiculously easy to get? Also, I would be starting a new department and the role wasn’t quite developed at the time. This made me slightly nervous.

In the end, I chose the laid back company because I saw it as a better fit for me as a person right now. After traveling for 6 months, doing whatever the hell I wanted, and answering to no one (well, HBF liked to think he kept me in check), I don’t think a high energy/high stress position was where my mind was at.

After I accepted the position, I had immediate buyer’s remorse. Did I make the right decision? Is the other company better? Did I chicken out on life? I struggled with these thoughts for about 2 days and ultimately came to the conclusion that I couldn’t do a damn thing about my decision. It was done, and I was officially employed after 1 year off. I felt relief and very, very nervous. I hadn’t worked in a year.. What if there were crazy changes that had taken place in the work world and I had no idea about them? What if there were 3 shells instead of toilet paper? (That’s right, a Demolition Man reference) I didn’t want to look like an idiot, but maybe that just couldn’t be helped.

I had 4 more weeks of freedom, and I did my best not to think about work. AT. ALL. I went home to hang out with the fam for 2 of those weeks, and it was bliss. No more self doubt, no more tears, no more indecision. I could finally enjoy my time that I was not working, only to have it end in 4 weeks. Aint that a pisser. But hey, it’s my own fault. My mind works in weird, wonderful and sometimes irrational ways. HBF can attest to that. Lemme just give a shout out to him for sticking by me through these hard times, and poking me gently when I needed it. You da best.